


Forbidden Zone Fuckery

by ghostchibi



Series: Wayward Wastelanders [1]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II, Dragon Age: Origins, Fallout (Video Games), Mass Effect
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Crossover Pairings, F/M, M/M, this is irredeemably stupid and I wouldn't have it any other way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-26
Updated: 2014-05-26
Packaged: 2018-01-26 16:24:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1694786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostchibi/pseuds/ghostchibi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ashley spots something in no-man's land through the scope of her rifle as she stands guard duty one night. She doesn't like what she sees.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forbidden Zone Fuckery

**Author's Note:**

> Spawned from an idea I had for a Mass Effect/Dragon Age/Fallout crossover in which the Normandy crew and Hawke's band of misfits are rival gangs in the irradiated wasteland of the Fallout universe and the Wardens are the peacekeepers of the area. Naturally, my friend went and made up a barroom tale-esque plot right there on the spot after I told him, and I wrote it up into proper fic format.
> 
> Dumb dumb crack, by the way, if you couldn't already tell from the title.

Ash peers through the scope of her rifle, seething with rage.

"That motherfucking-"

"I think it’s more like ‘rivalfucking’ to be honest, Ash."

"Can it, Commander. I’m not in the mood for it right now."

"Kaidan sure seems like he is."

"Shepard, I don’t care if you’re our leader, if you don’t shut up I’m putting your head on a pike."

Shepard put both hands up in a mock surrender.

Ash is infuriated with what she sees. She recognizes the other person with Kaidan, the doctor for the other gang. Anders, his name is. She’d met him once, on the opposite end of his plasma pistol. She has no idea where he’d managed to get his hands on something like that out here, but that isn't the issue right now.

What _is_ an issue was the fact that Kaidan and Anders seem to be having a roll in the hay. Or in the dust, considering where they're doing it.

"Look, do what you want with Kaidan but don’t kill the other guy. Hawke and I finally settled on something and if you hurt any of the dumb shit Misfits it’s gonna be-" Shepard starts, only to be interrupted by the sound of a gunshot. The spent casing hits the floor with a clatter, and Ashley looks redder in the face than normal.

"I missed," she mutters.

"You never miss," Shepard answers with a look of feigned surprise.

"Shut the hell up, Shepard," Ashley snapps, and goes to cock her rifle. "Goddammit, this piece of shit’s jammed again."

By the time she unjams and properly cocks her gun and looks through the scope, the two men are gone.

"I’m going to kill them both," she growls under her breath before storming off.

* * *

"Did you hear that?" Aveline asks, her head whipping toward the window.

"Sounded like a gunshot," is Isabela’s completely indifferent reply.

"A gunshot coming from the other side. Or are you confident enough that none of you are going to shoot you because you’ve gone and slept with all of them, you pantsless whore?"

"You wish, big girl. It’s probably just another terrible mutated monstrosity getting its brains blown out by one of their watchkeepers. You worry too much."

"You don’t worry nearly enough."

Isabela gives Aveline a look, before gesturing to the other woman with one of her knives. Aveline just scowls.

"Fine, would you feel better if I went to take a look, carrot-head?"

"Go ahead. Your ass will probably shield us all from any gunfire anyway."

"Ugh, such hateful words. Man-chin."

"Slutty tramp."

* * *

"HOMEWRECKING-"

"Homewrecking? That’s assuming you have a home to begin with!"

"YOU MAN-STEALING SLUT-"

"Well that’s just plain hurtful!"

"Anders would you please shut up?"

"I will when your girlfriend stops trying to disembowel me!"

"This is refreshing! For once, someone isn’t yelling obscenities at me!"

" Would you at least try to help me get this madwoman away from me? Isabela, I know you’re happy about this change of events-"

"That madwoman is my girlfriend, thank you very much!”

"KAIDAN, YOU CAN SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH!"

"My whore mouth? Really?”

Alistair is just about ready to shoot everyone and be done with it.

The Wardens patrol the area as a sort of informal peace-keepers, and when gunfire came from the direction of the gang hideouts, everyone was immediately on edge. The two gangs’ leaders had come to an agreement, and so it was rare nowadays to hear anything violent coming from the no-man’s land between the two bases. Gunfire could mean someone had decided to break the agreement, and the last thing the Wardens need is all-out war between the two gangs.

Unfortunately, Alistair had pulled the short stick, metaphorically speaking, and was tasked to deal with the issue. Which is why he's now standing several feet away from what appears to be two male and two female gang members, all screaming at each other. It's too dark to properly make out who is there, and Alistair has no desire to let this keep going. He pulls out his pistol, and fires one warning shot into the air.

"What on god’s green earth are you lot doing?" he asks when they finally stop yelling, and he shines his flashlight on them. Which of course reveals two half-dressed men, one woman with her hands around one of the men’s necks, and…

"Isabela?" Alistair stammers out, his heart dropping a little.

The little blush on his face upon seeing her is almost immediately replaced by a look of… is that hurt? Isabela squints, trying to see past the glare of the sudden brightness, before her eyes go wide.

"Ali-bear, oh! Sorry about the ruckus," she says cheerfully, not realizing what Alistair had assumed from the situation. The look on his face doesn't change though, and she looks back toward Kaidan and Anders, both half dressed and one with Ashley’s hands around his neck, and then looks back to Alistair.

Oops.

"Oh! No no, don’t worry, I didn’t have anything to do with this. These idiots were getting themselves shot at, Aveline sent me out to make sure nobody was dead," she explains. "Don’t worry your little Warden head, Ali."

He didn’t seem completely convinced, but nevertheless he lowers the flashlight to avoid blinding the four gang members and holsters his pistol.

"So… what was going on here?"

"Oh nothing, Sir Warden, just caught my boyfriend having a grand old time with the other gang’s doctor-"

"Ash, can’t we talk about this somewhere private?"

"You had no issue fucking him in the middle of no-man’s land!"

"Well, usually you all are aiming your scopes at our doors rather than in the middle of no-man’s land, so it should have been perfectly private. It’s your fault it stopped being so private."

"But right there on the ground? That can’t possibly have been comfortable.”

"Are you really one to talk about comfortable positions and sex, Isabela?"

Alistair rubs his face. This is getting out of hand very very quickly. And if Ashley did ever get around to properly strangling Anders, it wouldn’t be good.

"All of you, please! Just… just go back to your bases, forget this happened, work this out without killing each other? I really don’t want to deal with this right-"

Whoosh.

Something whizzes by overhead, and everyone’s heads snaps in the direction of the noise.

"What the hell?" Ashley asks, before an explosion goes off a few dozen feet away.

"Sten, NO!" Alistair yells, but another missile goes screaming past.

"THEY ARE NOT MEANT TO BE HERE!" comes the booming voice of the Super Mutant, missile launcher over his shoulder as he reloads. "GO BACK NOW!"

Nobody needs to be told twice.


End file.
